I've been thinking a lot the last few weeks about what brings me joy. As a friend wrote to me this week "I often live for the things that make me feel happy." When lots of things in my life are not happiness producers that is a problem. This summer my happiness meter has jerked up and down like an oil well.
I feel happy when...
Ed has enough energy to play a game with the children
the children are helpful and well behaved
my laundry is flapping on the sunshine
we enjoy a yummy meal of fresh garden produce
a bouquet of cheery zinnias sits on a clean kitchen counter
we get a lovely rainfall at exactly the right time
I feel sad when...
the groundhog chews down my zucchini plants to the ground
Ed falls asleep mid-sentence right after supper
nasty words bounce around the living room
I fight a losing battle with tiny ants in my kitchen
I don't want my joy to be dependent upon things, circumstances, and the weather.
I think God delights in giving us gifts like zinnias and a sun-ripened tomato and I want to find joy in these simple pleasures. When God answers our prayers, I want to rejoice. But these things can't be the source of my joy.
We are nearing the fifteenth month since Ed's GBM brain cancer diagnosis. Every day I thank God that Ed is still with us since I know that many with GBM do not have even fifteen months. Ed fights fatigue but still works and enjoys spending time with the children as much as possible.
But saying that "it could be worse" is a small comfort when I wish my husband was cancer free. It makes me mad that I can't plan next weekend or next month because all plans depend on how Ed feels. Counting blessing, though a valuable exercise, can't always salvage broken dreams.
I know that my joy cannot be dependent upon circumstances. When I think of the believers who have been persecuted for their faith and lost every earthly pleasure to serve Jesus, I realize that I have all I need for joy. Ed has had such firm faith throughout this past year that all will be well. He has confidence that in life or in death, God is with us and we have nothing to fear.
I've been reading slowly through Isaiah and love the prophecies of Christ such as Isaiah 61:3. "To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified."
I want the joy in my heart to be because of Jesus.
This week Ed had another MRI which showed significant tumor growth in the last month. Aggressive GBM like Ed's can double in a week or two, but even knowing that doesn't make these scans any easier to prepare for.
In hopes of slowing the growth of his tumor, Ed has decided to do some more radiation. He starts August 1 and will have 14 treatments. Please pray that the treatments will go well and that he will not have severe side effects. Pray that our faith in God will stay strong, and we will find joy in Him.
I'd love to hear about the little gifts of God that are bringing you joy today as well as what brings you deep unfailing joy in hard times.
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