Unmeasured

Last week was intense. For three days Ed had chemo infusion which meant leaving early to get to the clinic. Once there we had a few relaxing hours while Ed had the infusion. I brought my laptop and caught up with email and placed my orders for next year's school curriculum. Only a mom of six would consider sitting in a doctor's office as a peaceful break.

Since Ed's brain tumor is so aggressive, chemo probably won't do more than slow its growth - if that. I was worried that the chemo would make Ed sick with little benefit. But Ed felt great all week and was never nauseous.

At the end of the week, I spent parts of two days at a writers' conference. The workshops were wonderful, but I enjoyed the social interaction even more. Writers often tend to be introverted loners, but, get a whole group of them together, and the room was full of crackling passion. I loved meeting some of you that I've only known through email. 

I may have enjoyed it even more since I didn't know if I would be able to attend this year. I'm so grateful for my family who made it possible. But I doubt I'll leave that long again. Ed continues to decline, but I'm used to caring for him. We are learning the things that make it easier to function, even if it is hard to admit they are needed. Today we got a wheelchair. His left leg is dragging more making it harder to walk. We also stopped physical therapy. Though it feels like we are giving up, we need to face reality. 

Ed would tell you that he feels well; he has no pain or headaches. He talks very little, but enjoys visitors. In many ways he is childlike, agreeably doing what he is told, though on rare occasions acting like a stubborn two-year-old. To be honest Ed and I have less conflict now than a few months ago when I'd get frustrated when it seemed like he wouldn't try harder. I know, I wasn't being reasonable and I'm not proud of my attitude. Now his limits are more obvious. 

This week we've had no appointments, and we spent several afternoon enjoying the spring weather and cleaning up the yard. I thank God for my little girls who cuddle baby kittens, give wonderful hugs, and help keep me sane.

I might be crazy for planting a garden, but last year I found pulling weeds was therapeutic after a doctor appointment. I figured I might need the relief this year too.

Since we had a break in the rain, Ed's nephew tilled the garden and the children helped plant onions, sugar peas, potatoes, and broccoli.

Spring is a reminder that life continues. God doesn't change despite my current circumstances. He is still in control of the earth's rotation, and He'll continue to carry us in His vast, unmeasured love.

O the Deep, Deep Love of Jesus
by Samuel T. Francis
Hymns of the Church #291

O the deep, deep love of Jesus, vast, unmeasured, boundless, free!
Rolling as a mighty ocean in its fullness over me!
Underneath me, all around me, is the current of Thy love
Leading onward, leading homeward to Thy glorious rest above!

O the deep, deep love of Jesus, spread His praise from shore to shore!
How He loveth, ever loveth, changeth never, nevermore!
How He watches o'er His loved ones, died to call them all His own;
How for them He intercedeth, watcheth o'er them from the throne!

O the deep, deep love of Jesus, love of every love the best!
'Tis an ocean vast of blessing, 'tis a haven sweet of rest!
O the deep, deep love of Jesus, 'tis a heaven of heavens to me;
And it lifts me up to glory, for it lifts me up to Thee!